Hosting An Alien
by GRACE5
Summary: Tony is drunk and Ziva tries to find out what's been bothering him. Not related to any episodes. TIVA


"Hello?" Ziva questioned as she answered the phone.

"Hey Ziva, it's Paul." He said into the phone.

"Is that Zee-vahhhhh?" she heard Tony slur in the background.

"He is wasted." Ziva laughed with a yawn.

"He is, and he's wacked. I've never seen him like this." Paul said as he yelled at Tony. "Do you want me to throw him on my couch for the night or do you want him?"

"I will take him." Ziva said. "Do you want me to come pick him up?"

"Lemme talk to her, I got somen to say." Tony whined and Ziva laughed.

"You can talk to her later." Paul said. "Have some water."

"I dun want water."

"I'll drop him off, are you sure you want to deal with him?" Paul questioned again.

"Yes, thank you Paul."

"No problem. See you soon."

"Hey." Tony said like an offended child. "I wanted to talk to her."

"Shut up." Paul laughed as he flipped his phone shut.

"Oh Tony." Ziva laughed as she opened the door and saw Tony hanging off of Paul babbling about something.

"Where do you want him?" Paul asked as he stepped into the apartment and Ziva closed the door behind him.

"Who?" Tony asked as he looked at Ziva and gave her a sly smile. "Hi pretty lady."

"Shalom Tony." Ziva smiled as she directed Paul to the couch. "His knee was bothering him earlier, I bet he took one of his pills then drank because he is an idiot."

"Who's Tony?" Tony questioned in his drunken haze.

"Probably." Paul laughed as he deposited Tony on the couch and he stood right back up with much struggle. "I've never seen him like this, not even in college."

"Yes, pain killers make him quite loopy." Ziva smiled as Tony staggered his way into the kitchen. "Thank you for bringing him home."

"No problem." Paul smiled as they walked towards the door. "Bye Tony."

"Tony's not here." Tony mumbled as he pulled the fridge open.

"Yeah, he's doing this weird third person thing." Paul laughed as they both watched Tony pull everything out of the fridge.

"He should be fun this evening." Ziva smiled as she watched Tony attempt to make a sandwich.

"That's what you get for marrying him." Paul laughed as he pulled the door open and turned back to Ziva.

"I guess." Ziva laughed as they heard Tony crunch on his bizarre sandwich. "Thank you again Paul."

"No problem." Paul smiled. "Oh, and he's really stressing over this baby thing."

"He told you about that?" Ziva asked shocked. Tony wouldn't even talk to her about it, he always just brushed her off.

"Well kinda, you know Tony." Paul laughed and bid a final goodbye before heading back to his car.

"How about you go to bed, Tony?" Ziva offered as she watched her husband sit at the breakfast bar and continue to eat whatever was in front of him.

"Told you, not Tony." He mumbled as he turned his gaze to his wife then back to his food.

"Then who are you?" Ziva asked amused as she walked around the counter so she could look at him.

"You, hot stuff, can call me Ant." Tony smirked as he cocked his eyebrows at her.

"Oh, so you are not speaking in the third person, you are a completely different person?"

"Not really sure whatcha jus said but sure." Tony smiled as he held out his sandwich. "Want some?"

"No thank you." Ziva said and Tony shrugged and finished off the sandwich. "Come on, Tony, let's go to bed. You are going to be in serious pain tomorrow."

"I'll make sure to give that message to him." Tony smirked as Ziva took his plate and put it in the sink.

"Okay, I will play your game." Ziva sighed as Tony continued to hold his drunken gaze on her.

"What game? I want to play." Tony smiled. "Is it a sex game?"

"So, Ant," Ziva said ignoring his question and Tony smirked proudly. "You know, Tony?"

"Yerp." Tony said as he twisted his wedding ring. "We're buds, why you like him?"

"He has his moments." Ziva said _Now, is not one of them_

"He likes you, lots." Tony said dragging out the s.

"Do you know what is bothering, Tony?" Ziva questioned as she watched her husband role his eyes.

"Who said anythang was bothering him?" he questioned.

"It is obvious." Ziva said as Tony got up from the stool and walked to the couch. "Is it about the baby?"

"What baby?" Tony grumbled with a huff as he threw himself on the couch.

"Tony." Ziva sighed as she sat on the edge of the couch and placed her hand on his cheek. Tony narrowed his eyes at her. "Sorry, Ant, why is the baby bothering, Tony?"

"There is no baby." Tony said with a glare as he took her hand off his cheek. "He couldn't get'er pregnant."

"Her?" Ziva questioned as Tony stood from the couch and walked back towards the kitchen.

"You want a drink?" Tony questioned as he grabbed a bottle of rum.

"No." Ziva said as she stood quickly from the couch and took the rum from his hand. "And you are not drinking any more."

"You know what, spicy ninja?" Tony said as he stumbled closer to her and wrapped his arms around her waist. "We should go have sex now."

"We are not done talking." Ziva said as he unwrapped his arms.

"Well, I am done talking about this." Tony said as he sat back at the breakfast bar and put his head down on the counter.

"Why? Why can we not talk about this?" Ziva asked as she stood behind him and wrapped her arms around his middle.

"Tony and I do not like this subject matter." He mumbled as she laid her head on his back.

"And why does he not like this?" Ziva questioned as she kissed between his shoulder blades.

"Because." Tony whined.

"Anthony." Ziva mumbled frustrated and Tony giggled. "Tell me what is wrong."

"It's not me, it's Tony." Tony said.

"You are really making me want to hurt you." Ziva mumbled into his back and he giggled again.

"Well, sexy pants, why don't you show me in the bedroom?" Tony questioned with a smirk as he turned to look at her.

"Are you Tony?" Ziva questioned with a smile.

"No." he pouted.

"Then we will not be doing anything in the bedroom but sleeping."

"Why, that is like so unfair." Tony whined as he pouted.

"I only have sex with my husband, Tony." Ziva smiled as Tony sighed dramatically.

"You have lots of hot sex with this husband of yours?" Tony questioned as he left the breakfast bar again to sit on the couch.

"Yes." Ziva said simply as she sat down next to him.

"Funny, you'd think if you were having so much sex he'd be able to put a bun in your oven." Tony growled to himself with a scowl as his brow furrowed.

"A bun in my oven?" Ziva questioned confused.

"Right, well smokin' foreign woman, it means pregnant." Tony said as he leaned back against the couch and put his hands behind his head. "Knocked up, with child, expecting, slipped one past the goalie, hosting an alien,"

"I get it." Ziva laughed as she straddled her husband's lap. "So is that what has been bothering my husband? That we have not been able to conceive?"

"Maybe." Tony said as he licked his lips and watched her, his drunken eyes growing heavy. "Someone may have told him that it's because he's not meant to be a father."

"Well that someone was wrong." Ziva said as she pulled his hands from behind his head and placed them on her hips. "And who told him that?"

"Doesn't matter." Tony mumbled with a yawn.

"Tony." Ziva said softly as she rested her forehead against his.

"Not-."

"Shut up." Ziva said as she placed her finger against his lips.

"People keep saying that to me." Tony laughed as he licked her finger, which she quickly withdrew.

"Your birthday is next week and I have a present for you." Ziva said as she hopped off his lap to retrieve the box.

"I like presents, does it have to do with sex?" Tony questioned as she handed him the small box.

"Kind of." Ziva said as she sat back on his lap. "Even if you are completely wasted, I will give it to you early."

"Hm." Tony said as he studied the box. "Did you get me a necklace?"

"Just open it." Ziva said as she watched him pull the lid off cautiously. A sonogram picture fell in his lap and a positive pregnancy test was revealed.

"You peed on this." Tony giggled as he ran his finger over the pink plus sign.

"That is all you have to say?" Ziva laughed as she watched him pick up the sonogram and study it with a smile. She smiled as his green eyes seemed to sober up before he rested his head against her chest and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

"Your boobs haven't gotten any bigger yet." Tony mumbled as he snuck his hands under her shirt to stroke the warm flesh over her abdomen.

"I am only two months along." Ziva said as she dropped a kiss to his hair.

"So Tony's gonna be a daddy." Tony smiled as he pulled back from Ziva and looked up at her. His greens eyes had a new sparkle to them.

"Yes, you are Tony, and if you keep this third person stuff up you will not meet your baby." Ziva laughed as he nuzzled her neck.

"That woulda been good birfday present too." Tony smiled.

"It is still your birthday present." Ziva laughed as she removed herself from his lap and pulled him off the couch and into the bedroom after she shut all the lights off and locked up the apartment.

"Are we gonna go have sex now, wifey?" Tony smiled as she pulled the covers back and got in.

"Take your contacts out and get in your pajamas, Tony." Ziva laughed as he immediately stripped down to his boxers. "And brush your teeth."

"Yes Master." Tony giggled as he stumbled into the bathroom and did as he was told. Once finished he walked out and shut both lights off before climbing in bed next to his wife. "That's why you let me go out tonight isn't it?"

"See, you're more than just your looks." Ziva smiled as she patted his cheek.

"I'm going to hurt tomorrow." Tony mumbled into her neck as he pulled her closer to him.

"You are, and knowing you, you probably will have no idea what happened tonight." Ziva laughed as she stroked his hair.

"Not fair." Tony complained as he ran his hand over her stomach again. "I wanna remember."

"It is only another week until your birthday." Ziva smiled as she kissed his nose.

"Hmm we're gonna have a Valentine's Day baby." Tony mumbled with a yawn.

"Are you happy, Tony?" Ziva asked as she continued to stroke his soft hair.

"If I hadn't peed in the garden before Paul brought me to the door I woulda prolly peed my pants from excitement." Tony said softly as his breathing evened and he quickly fell asleep, his hand still on her stomach.


End file.
